So much has happened since I posted last. Quinn turned 13, Iris turned 7, I turned 42... We got through the homestudy process and went in to look through the available children, submitted ourselves for several of them, were waiting (oh so patiently!) for our match.
That night, on October 15th, we found out I was pregnant. After 6 years of being open to it, and finally accepting that my childbearing days were over, two lines came up immediately. I went through a roller coaster of emotions, change is hard for me and I had so much of myself invested in the adoption process and had the picture of our adopted toddler in my head! we talked to the social worker and put the adoption on hold (They wouldn't place a child with us with the pregnancy or with a child under 1 in the home). A newborn, another home birth, nursing and a big belly. It was unreal to me, so hard to wrap my brain around. Scott was just beside himself with joy from the first moment we knew, though, and his delight was infectious!
I was nervous the whole time because of my age and because I was spotting. I did spot when pregnant with Iris though, so I just talked with the baby and tried to make it through one day at a time. I was starting to get uncomfortable in my regular clothing and grew out of my bra by 8 weeks or so!
On November 14th the spotting picked up and I called my midwife to ask for an ultrasound. I also had been feeling weird twinges in my cervix, it almost felt like the baby was moving but always in the same area. I had a huge cry on Scott's shoulder, all of the guilt and sadness at the reservation I felt about embracing the pregnancy came to the forefront and after a while i felt lighter and ready to face whatever came next.
On November 15th my cervix was shortened and I kind of knew what was happening. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat and the baby measured 6 1/2 weeks. I was 9 weeks 6 days. We lost our miracle and now we had to wait for the baby to leave us physically.
I had always thought miscarriage was like a heavy period, was a short process physically and not too painful if it was in the first trimester. This was not true for me at all! On Tuesday the 16th the bleeding started and the cramping felt like labor. All I could do was lay in bed or run for the bathroom to pass more clots and blood. It slowed down when I slept that night, then continued the next day, heavy and painful. I searched the toilet every time, hoping for a glimpse of something that was our baby, but it was just huge blood clots. The worst of it was every 10 minutes or so, a gush of blood and more clots to pass. It again slowed overnight. By Thursday I was exhausted and just bleeding like a heavy period. The midwife came, talked with me, tested me and found I was anemic, gave me some meds to help get everything out as I could feel something stuck in my cervix.
The weekend came and the bleeding had slowed considerably but I wasn't done. Still cramping some, still had something stuck. Scott and I spent most of the weekend alone in bed, watching movies and crying, it was good for us.
Monday morning the cramping started again in earnest, and after laying down for a while I got up and passed a huge mass of tissue and knew that was what had been blocking my cervix. Tuesday morning I passed a smaller mass and then I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore. Tuesday I was/would have been 11 weeks along.
I am still recovering, mentally and physically. I am mad and sad and ok and broken and confused! We can have the hold taken off for the adoption in February, so at least there will be a baby/toddler someday, but I wish with all my heart I didn't have to go through all of this, that I could have just happily been waiting to be matched.
Our baby's name is Emmanuel. We had a stone engraved for a garden we are going to put in so we can remember this baby that we never got to hold or see.
That night, on October 15th, we found out I was pregnant. After 6 years of being open to it, and finally accepting that my childbearing days were over, two lines came up immediately. I went through a roller coaster of emotions, change is hard for me and I had so much of myself invested in the adoption process and had the picture of our adopted toddler in my head! we talked to the social worker and put the adoption on hold (They wouldn't place a child with us with the pregnancy or with a child under 1 in the home). A newborn, another home birth, nursing and a big belly. It was unreal to me, so hard to wrap my brain around. Scott was just beside himself with joy from the first moment we knew, though, and his delight was infectious!
I was nervous the whole time because of my age and because I was spotting. I did spot when pregnant with Iris though, so I just talked with the baby and tried to make it through one day at a time. I was starting to get uncomfortable in my regular clothing and grew out of my bra by 8 weeks or so!
On November 14th the spotting picked up and I called my midwife to ask for an ultrasound. I also had been feeling weird twinges in my cervix, it almost felt like the baby was moving but always in the same area. I had a huge cry on Scott's shoulder, all of the guilt and sadness at the reservation I felt about embracing the pregnancy came to the forefront and after a while i felt lighter and ready to face whatever came next.
On November 15th my cervix was shortened and I kind of knew what was happening. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat and the baby measured 6 1/2 weeks. I was 9 weeks 6 days. We lost our miracle and now we had to wait for the baby to leave us physically.
I had always thought miscarriage was like a heavy period, was a short process physically and not too painful if it was in the first trimester. This was not true for me at all! On Tuesday the 16th the bleeding started and the cramping felt like labor. All I could do was lay in bed or run for the bathroom to pass more clots and blood. It slowed down when I slept that night, then continued the next day, heavy and painful. I searched the toilet every time, hoping for a glimpse of something that was our baby, but it was just huge blood clots. The worst of it was every 10 minutes or so, a gush of blood and more clots to pass. It again slowed overnight. By Thursday I was exhausted and just bleeding like a heavy period. The midwife came, talked with me, tested me and found I was anemic, gave me some meds to help get everything out as I could feel something stuck in my cervix.
The weekend came and the bleeding had slowed considerably but I wasn't done. Still cramping some, still had something stuck. Scott and I spent most of the weekend alone in bed, watching movies and crying, it was good for us.
Monday morning the cramping started again in earnest, and after laying down for a while I got up and passed a huge mass of tissue and knew that was what had been blocking my cervix. Tuesday morning I passed a smaller mass and then I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore. Tuesday I was/would have been 11 weeks along.
I am still recovering, mentally and physically. I am mad and sad and ok and broken and confused! We can have the hold taken off for the adoption in February, so at least there will be a baby/toddler someday, but I wish with all my heart I didn't have to go through all of this, that I could have just happily been waiting to be matched.
Our baby's name is Emmanuel. We had a stone engraved for a garden we are going to put in so we can remember this baby that we never got to hold or see.
